MOTHERING IN THE ABSENCE OF A VILLAGE

It was 9:45 pm as I walked into my bedroom and collapsed onto my bed in pure exhaustion. I was so fatigued from the demands of motherhood that day that my heart rate was elevated, my chest was hurting, and I was winded and short of breath. My hubby had a long workday

(12 ½ hr. shift to be exact) and he had JUST walked through the door.

Homeschooling had been a particularly difficult day. It seemed like all day both of my youngest children had repeated sessions of meltdowns and tantrums. My willpower was done and as I lay on the bed my self-talk went something like this.

“I am exhausted, maybe I should be done with homeschooling for good. Why can’t life cut me a break.”

On the other hand, it went like this…. “Those are lies, Raquel! You had a successful day in motherhood. You schooled your children, played with them, fed them 3 meals, and kept them alive.”

Then came a round of self-pity; “I would give anything to have my mom alive again to help, I need a break, I desperately need a support system but who? How? We are not at a place where I can afford a sitter right now so how can I catch a break?"

These were my raw, mom life emotions. Motherhood had become a load that I struggled to carry; it became a weight that I felt I could cave under any second in an emotional and mental breakdown. Most days I felt joyless in my motherhood from the pure physical and mental exhaustion. I was sad that I felt like I had so little to give my babies. After all, they were my all, my everything, my greatest joy in this life. Yet here I was, collapsed in pure exhaustion and ready to wave my white flag at stay at home mom life. I was just not sure how I could get through another day of the chaos of being a stay-at-home mom.

The fact of the matter is this: It takes a village to raise a child, and I had no village! What about you friend? Do you have a village?

In the past families were surrounded by relatively small and multigenerational communities. These were communities that knew one another well and loved each other well. In these communities, whether blood family or not; they nurtured one another in times of need and bore one another’s joys and sorrows. Furthermore, the parenting load was lightened by minding the wellbeing of one the other’s children.

The sad reality is that many of us in today’s age find ourselves mothering without a village. This is not the way we were designed to live! Scripture tells us that older women are to disciple younger women. “Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”

( Titus 2:4-6).

In teaching these characteristics, older women would then pour into the younger; thus assist them in bearing the load of motherhood, homemaking, and marriage. We just do not have much of this in our society anymore! Multigenerational discipleship is a rare jewel now a days.

There are so many downfalls of parenting within the absence of a “village”. Here are a few.

- Unrealistic pressures placed solely on parents as we seek to meet the demands that God designed to be carried by an entire community.

- We have less time to recharge or prioritize our own wellbeing thus, we feel less secure and more prone to anxiety.

- We may tend to hold tight to our own parenting ideals that we have created and are never challenged by those generations ahead of us with parenting ideals that may help to lighten our burdens. Ideals those that have gone ahead of us learned through experience.

- We are overworked and overburdened and do not know boundaries on when to stop and slow down.

- We invest less time in family leisure.

- We depend heavily on social media to fill the void of the village that we should have physically surrounding us.

- We may feel lonely and unseen in our motherhood/parenting.

- We become victims of mom guilt.

- Rest, joy, and fun may feel difficult to practice.

- We feel weak or ashamed when we need to “ask for help”. As a result, we fail to ask all together and we cave under the load of motherhood.

- We lack confidence in ourselves, thus, we give way to comparison.

It is a vicious cycle friend. So what can we do? What is the remedy to our burden laden lifestyle? And how do we escape the cycle?

By Being the CHANGE AND BUILDING YOUR OWN VILLAGE! Here are some practical steps:

1-) In an inability to change the situation around us we MUST CHANGE OUR MINDSET! You, mama, are NOT THE PROBLEM and while you may feel inadequate at times this is not true. You are on the frontlines of an eternal battle and the word of the Lord tells us that “even youth will grow weary”. Come to grips with the fact that it is Ok not to be Ok. The fact that you are struggling is natural and only a reflection of the broken cultural standards that we live in. THEY ARE NOT A REFLECTION OF YOUR MOTHERING ABILITIES. You give ALL OF YOU, what more could you give?

2-) Own your own needs, my friend! You…. YES, YOU! You are so busy being caught up in meeting everyone else’s needs that you fail to own up your own needs. Identify them! Clearly! Take 30 minutes when your children have gone to bed tonight and write them down in a list form. This will allow you to build a vision for meeting those needs.

3-) Commit to practicing vulnerability. Not the sugar-coated kind but pure, raw, vulnerability. Commit to doing this with a handful of women, chances are they need to do the same.

This practice may be uncomfortable at first, especially if you tend to lean towards being a private person. But there is beauty in bringing your weariness and brokenness.

to light.

4-) Become a fundamental part of something community-oriented. For me, this is a church family and a homeschooling community. A portion of the both of them are intertwined.

Once you are there, practice vulnerability and be bold about sharing those needs that you have owned in the previous two steps. You may find that you will be pleasantly

surprised by how you and these women will naturally begin bearing one another’s load once you become vulnerable with each other.

5-) Learn to OFFER to serve. One of the best ways to build a village is to be the one willing to serve, ironically serving others will be your greatest foundation for building a village that

will in turn serve you. Want a village? Be the village!

6-) Lastly, learn self-love! Begin to find your identity in who GOD says you are and not in what the culture says you to be. Do not submit to the lies that you yourself may have spoken to through negative self-talk. You are absolutely valued, worthy of care and love, brave and sacrificial in your motherhood, purchased by your Father in Heaven and bought with a price. Begin practicing affirmations, begin memorizing scripture, begin finding small ways to check those ‘needs’ off of your list one at a time. That may mean ASKING.

I have tasted the sweetness of “village life” at random times in my life. As a child, I grew up in a Latino culture. We were communal and I was parented by my neighbors, aunts, uncles, etc.

Then, in my adult life, I experienced probably the sweetest ‘village life’ as I partook in a campus ministry. We did life together and while the burdens I bore were not as heavy as those of motherhood, it delighted my heart to always have a friend there to be vulnerable within my weakness, to laugh with when I was laughing, and weep with when I wept. It was special to experience life and make memories together.

Then again in missions, oh what sweet community to do life on the mission field with those that are sacrificing their lives alongside you.

If it was possible then, it is possible now sister! Right here, right now…… it may have to start with you!

Find your own identity, then find your village! You owe it to yourself. Your husband and children deserve it also. There is a community of friends out there somewhere that will be willing and eager to nourish your soul and love on your family. My prayer for you today is that you would not settle but that you would seek and find your village!

Cheering you on always;

Raquel